Death to Imposter Syndrome | An Ironman Training Journal

They say everyone primarily does Ironman races for personal reasons, many journal the process, some raise money for a specific cause, and others do it to create social media content. A few compete for deeply personal reasons and keep their journey mostly to themselves. While I have documented a part of this journey, I have kept my reasoning quite private until now.

It all started years ago

For as long as I can remember, ever since I saw my first Ironman on TV in Australia, I have always asked myself a question. Do I think I would be strong enough to complete an Ironman myself?

My whole life, I have had a profound belief that I am an imposter in almost everything I have ever done. I mostly made my own way through my life, learning my own lessons, most of which was the hard way. I see it as my Ph.D. in the school of hard knocks.

In my earlier years, this was mainly a crippling fear that someone would catch me doing something I had no clue about or know I was an imposter. As I have grown and matured, I learned to use this as my greatest fuel and energy source, feeling I always have something to prove.

In harnessing this, I have found a way to turn something that used to be such a negative trait into my greatest strength.

Now let’s fast forward to 2020

COVID had a way of making us feel powerless and mostly out of control of our destiny. Both feelings are foreign to someone like me, who believes we make our own fate and does not believe in luck.

After ensuring my business returned to growth, my focus shifted. I was sure that I didn’t ever want to feel victimized or at the mercy of any situation again. I also have enough self-awareness to know that my mind is often singular-focused and mostly quiet when I am active.

In Triathlon, I found a sport that would require absolute focus and subscribing to a program and a process that would, in theory, deliver results, the harder I push, the more I grow.

I had been road cycling for the better part of 15–20 years, my running was average, and I could do something a little faster than survival swim. Although, in retrospect, my swimming more closely resembled controlled drowning. So why not Triathlon!

I do best when there is a line in the sand and a gnarly challenge on the other side. At this moment, I went onto Ironman.com and signed up for a Full Ironman on November 21st, 2021!

So, I did it

What came next was a complete transformation of life as I knew it. Anyone who knows me knows I am obsessive in tackling goals by throwing myself into anything I do 110%.

I stopped drinking.

I started functionally eating.

I woke at 4 am daily.

I worked my way up to an average of 20 hours a week of training.

I recruited a small coaching team, adopted a new language and entire being.

I found different ways to interact and involve my wife and kids in this journey.

One of the unintended consequences of this journey is recognizing that this was a new part of my life where I didn’t feel like an imposter.

The fact that bullshit might get you into the sport and to the starting line, bullshit will not deliver you numbers that matter. An imposter simply cannot hide in a world where performance is measured in seconds/watts/splits because numbers do not lie.

Training became an oasis for my mind where I felt I was achieving only what I had earned. Every missed training session was a missed opportunity to push beyond my perceived limits. I was truly in charge of my own destiny.

The first race

My first race, the Hyannis Olympic Triathlon, came in June of 2020. It was the state championships for Massachusetts. I had trained each of the disciplines, but up until this point, I had NEVER brought it all together in one race!

The morning of the race was torrentially raining, which only made me more nervous. I would now have to do this thing I had never done before, in weather I had never trained for.

I made my fair share of rookie mistakes in this first race. The most costly of these mistakes was putting all of my gear inside plastic bags in a vain attempt to keep my things dry in transition. This not only slowed me down but was also pointless as everything was soaked within minutes of removing them from the bags.

All in all, I had a great first race and ended up finishing in second place for my age group. But, like a novice gambler who strikes the jackpot on their first day, I was now hooked. Even with all of these mistakes and inexperience, I got on the podium on my first attempt!

Half an Ironman

My first Half Ironman was in Ohio in July. This one made me nervous as hell on the starting line. The distance and amount of time racing were utterly foreign to me. Nevertheless, I finished this in the top 10% and finished sub-5-hour, a big goal.

This also could have gone VERY differently. From the minute I entered the water, I entered a hostile territory unlike I had ever been before! This was the first time I got a taste of what I had heard called “The Terror Washing Machine,” people elbowing, punching, kicking, pulling, all the get an edge over the field. I went from a mindset of “let’s crush this” to “please just make it out of the water”!

I lost a LOT of time in the swim and slipped back in the field badly. But, the bike being my strongest discipline, helped me make up about 500 spots throughout the 56 miles. This first long-distance race is still my greatest teacher of this sport, post-race I had at least five pages of lessons that I implemented the following day.

My next half Ironman was a practice run for my full. It was in Cozumel as well, so I thought it would give me a fantastic psychological advantage when doing the full Cozumel seven weeks later.

How wrong could I have been!

The day’s conditions were incredibly tough and made for a super hard day of racing. The ocean current changed directions and gave everyone the battle of their lives to just make it out of the water. The headwinds on the bike were brutal, and the run had a heat index of 107°F with 90% humidity.

Instead of giving me an abundance of confidence for the full, it had my mind racing with what it would feel like to double that! I had a creeping doubt post-race. And for 72 hours after, I was creating mental lists of who I needed to send checks to when I broke the news of canceling my attendance of Ironman Cozumel. I seriously could not imagine racing double what I did for the half.

Thankfully, after 72 hours, my bad memories were replaced with the determination to go to war with this course. And that nagging question of my ability to do something so epic was still unanswered.

A quick note

Before we break down the race, I would just like to take a moment to reflect on all the amazing people that made this journey possible. My wife and kids made infinite sacrifices to support this newfound passion of mine. Without their support and understanding, none of this would have been possible.

My Ironman Coach (and his wife) was there every step of this journey, coaching most of the time, playing psychologist sometimes!

The fantastic team I have at Chew, my business, kept the company moving forward when I was off racing.

My Swim Coach helped me transition from controlled drowning to swimming 4,000–6,000m in a session at race pace.

My great friends at SRAM provided both support and the best components in the industry.

The Canyon team managed to get me a Speedmax CFR from the European inventory, making me one of only a handful of people in the US with arguably the best bike in this sport.

Of course, we cannot forget my phenomenal pro bike mechanic, who keeps everything in race-ready condition!

There are SO many more I could list here, so thank you. It does truly take a tribe to make this happen!

Now for the main event, Ironman Cozumel

In Triathlon, they say you have two groups of people; “Completers” and “Competers.” Given my obsessive and competitive nature, it was always obvious I would fall into the second bucket. However, I entered this event in relative peace, knowing this was a victory lap to reflect the work that I had put in up until this point.

November 21st, 2021, 6:45 am.

After 11 months of intense training and infinite life lessons, I was lined up in the chute, ready to answer that childhood question, “Do I think I will ever be strong enough to do an Ironman?” I was now about to see if I was worthy of the challenge.

After a mix-up on the ramp leading up to the swim, I finally got underway. Historically the thoughts running through my mind when racing in the water have been “just make it out.” This time I focused obsessively on passing one person at a time. It worked. I had the swim of my life and did the 2.4 miles in 51 minutes. Coming out of the water, I felt strong and ready to crush the ride.

Transition 1

It gave me an incredible boost in energy as I saw my wife, kids, mother-in-law, father-in-law, coach, and his wife. It reminded me that I better perform as they had all come to support me!

I had an amazing ride, with the wind not being a factor until the last of three laps. This was when the rain started coming down horizontally, and the wind was a block headwind. The day’s rain created flooding. Some parts of the course were more than 3 inches deep. Making it impossible in some parts to see the road (and the pot-holes). But all the competitors had the same conditions, so I kept my head down and pushed!

I completed the 113 miles (the Cozumel course is 1.5 miles longer than standard) in 4:57, setting me up perfectly to shoot for the “sub-10 hour” goal I had for the day.

Transition 2

A funny fact, I have never run a marathon. I decided it would be too easy just to go and do an open marathon. So in true form, I decided to attempt my first marathon at the end of this Ironman! So naturally, this part made me a little apprehensive. I had never done the distance, much less at the end of a race like this.

The first two of three laps felt good, manageable, according to plan, and mostly efficient.

Coming into the third lap, I was starting to get pretty tired. My mind was protesting my body to stop, but the notion of “even when you think you’re done, you still have 40% left” circulated in my mind and drowned out other thoughts.

Over and over, this thought and infinite thoughts that were MUCH darker helped motivate me to push to the end.

I crossed the line in 9:41

I achieved my goal of sub-10, answering the decades-old question of my worthiness through such a challenge.

Seeing my family witness what I felt was a transformation of body and mind was more emotional than I could have imagined. I struggled for 5 minutes to put words to thoughts and feelings. I can tell you I have never felt such a profound sense of gratitude and pride.

For the first time in my life, I didn’t feel like an imposter. Those were the numbers and results I deserved. It was a strange feeling.

They say you shouldn’t decide on your upcoming season until at least two weeks after the race because most people cannot fathom doing an Ironman again. Even though I could barely walk and had “donated” 8 toenails to the race, 20 minutes later, I was itching to do it all over again.

I want to correct the many little mistakes I made throughout the race and my training. I have since locked in my 2022 season with two Olympic Triathlons, two half Ironman’s, and two full Ironman’s.

The aftermath

My race was just over two weeks ago. To be honest, I thought I would feel different than I do.

I thought I would have an air of invincibility about me after I crossed the line and heard, “Adam Melonas, you are an Ironman.” Everything went back to normal pretty quickly, thankfully. What has changed is my mind. I know I went to war with what I perceived to be a gnarly challenge and came out the other side victorious.

Since then, my training sessions have been stronger and somewhat more peaceful mentally. I’ve removed the doubt that I might not conquer this challenge that I told everyone I could do, and now it is about absolutely eviscerating what is typically considered normal.

I started this journey with the goal of being 100% in control of this part of my life. I got what I deserved, and I deserve the results I achieved.

Goal number two was to positively impact my family by giving them a model to live a healthy life while fundamentally challenging myself. My kids have since done two triathlons and are excited about the 2022 season.

My last personal goal was to achieve something I felt I earned. The “Ironman All World Athlete” rankings just came out, and I am now ranked in the top 1% (#126) in my age group (40–44) globally and #2 in my age group Australian. So, I am pretty proud of my first year.

Now more than ever, I am so excited for the 2022 season!